it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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