Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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