If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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