I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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