We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
