All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
