I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
