Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
