Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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