Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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