If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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