TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
