a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
how drunk are you?
Several
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
