You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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