New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
