I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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