If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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