Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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