I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize