Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
