you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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