I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
