get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
