First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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