Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just threw up on my dentist
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
