I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
