What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
