OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
