My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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