You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
