You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
