I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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