He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
