Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
