my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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