I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
