Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My vagina is officially offended.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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