i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
