It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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