I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
