Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
