Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
