I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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