think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You've changed since you got that strap on
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
