I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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