I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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