Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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