I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
