Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
