Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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