So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
