Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize