I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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