Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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