My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
