Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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