Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
