I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
