You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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