You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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