Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
