Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize