We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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